The Art of Living: Becoming More Resilient

by Nancy Stek, Assistant Director, NJLAP


Can becoming more “resilient” help you manage stress in a healthier way? Are there lessons to be learned from others who have managed to thrive in spite of living in adverse conditions? As a result of life stressors, do you see yourself and your life as “damaged” or “challenged?” Is the glass half empty or half full? Experts say “resilience” is the key.

Resiliency as defined by psychiatrist Steven Wolin, M.D., is the capacity to rise above adversity and forge lasting strengths in the struggle. It is the means by which children who grew up in troubled families navigated through difficult times and emerged as strong, healthy, capable adults. It is not about magically escaping harm. It is about the art of living.

Experts are not all in ageement about how much of resilience is genetic. People do seem to differ in their natural abilities to handle stress. But being resilient boils down to having a certain set of skills, and skills can be learned. So resilience can be developed.

In a well-known 40 year study involving 700 children followed from birth, researcher Emmy Werner focused on identifying factors which seemed to protect approximately 1/3 of the high-risk children from developing problems in spite of the compromising risk factors in their lives. She identified two primary reasons for their invulnerability: they were born with outgoing dispositions and they were able to engage several sources of support for themselves.

The other two-thirds of the high risk group developed problems, but the majority were doing well by their mid-thirties. They attributed their rebound to having people in their lives who reached out to them with the messages, “You count. And it doesn’t matter what you have done in the past.”

Developing competencies, or resiliency skills, is also a key factor in successfully responding to life’s stresses and adversities. It is possible to be hurt and rebound at the same time. Resilient individuals refrain from blaming themselves for what has gone wrong. Through a process called “adaptive distancing” they can draw boundaries between the problem and themselves. “My situation is troubled but I am not my situation.” They maintain their independence and are often drawn to spending time with healthier peers and families.

Ongoing research indicates that those who are resilient take responsibility for what goes right in their lives. They cultivate insight, are able to be honest and they take charge of problems. They have good decision-making and planning skills, a healthy sense of humor and a sense of hope about the future. They know how to ask for help and support when they need it, and how to cultivate relationships which provide that.

Reframing, according to Steven Wolin, is at the heart of resilience. It is a way of shifting the focus to the cup being half full. Going back to an incident, finding the strengths and building self-esteem from the achievement is what builds resilience. Instead of seeing oneself as “a helpless survivor” one can reframe an experience to see oneself as an “accomplished strategist.” This is a critical step in developing resilience: shifting from a “damage model” to a “challenge model.”

The two perspectives speak for themselves: “look at how horrible your life has been and how you’ve been victimized” or “ look at how you managed to survive and thrive in spite of it.” Sometimes it’s easier to be the victim; it removes the obligation to change. It is also possible to emerge from difficult situations with dignity and strength and lead a healthy and gratifying life.

Reducing and managing stress in your life can begin by increasing your resiliency skills. Listed below is a list of resiliency skills. Read through the list and take the following 5 steps:

· First, identify your 5 strongest skills.

· Next, identify 2 skills you would like to learn or improve.

· Third, for each of those skills, list at least 3 steps or strategies you can act on in order to improve each skill. Fourth, write an affirmation for each skill. This is a sentence that is written in the present tense about each skill. For example, if I want to be better at goal setting, my affirmation could be “I am an expert at goal setting and I reach my goals easily.”

· And finally, write down a date you will begin working on these skills and a target date for completion.

It may be helpful to find a partner to work with, talk to and be accountable to. You can share ideas and keep each other on track.

Resiliency Checklist

Rate yourself on each of the following using a scale of 1 – 10.

I see myself as someone who:

1. Is flexible or adaptable ___

2. Is goal directed ___

3. Is open to new ideas ___

4. Has a good sense of humor ___

5. Is creative ___

6. Has an inviting personality ___

7. Often volunteers to help others ___

8. Is future oriented ___

9. Is a good planner ___

10. Is independent ___

11. Has good communication skills ___

12. Is usually persistent ___

13. Is achievement oriented ___

14. Is optimistic and hopeful ___

15. Has good problem-solving skills ___

16. Has healthy expectations of self ___

17. Can see the humor in situations ___

18. Can ask for help easily ___

19. Can easily put others at ease ___

20. Has good decision-making skills ___